10 days, 15 yoga classes, 13 lectures........

and hopefully not as many movies to go.

But that's it folks! I have officially started my countdown! Today we started prep for our graduation ceremony and the teacher tonight spoke about the end of our yoga journey being within sight, so I thought I might as well join in and start counting down. To date I have been really reluctant to do so, as the end still felt a little out of reach and not something I could hold onto just yet, but as tomorrow is Wednesday and means we are halfway through our last full week then it certainly is starting to feel the end is within reach.

Somebody asked me today, if I knew it was going to be like this would I still have signed up? I am still unable to answer that question with any certainty. While it has certainly been an interesting journey for me with some unexpected twists and turns thrown in, it is no secret it has been nothing like I expected or hoped for. And I am sad that I didn't ever reach that "sweet spot" in my time here that would make me not want to leave as this was all I dreamt, ate and talked about for the past two years :-(

Part of our "Karma yoga" is to come back and volunteer at future Trainings and there are some people who come back every year and do that. Oy! Most of the Training is "run" by volunteers which just astounds me considering what we pay.

So in light of the fact that my Karma Yoga is due, I will instead be going out and adopting ALL the children from an African village, I will rescue orphaned Orangutans from the snake infested Amazon jungle, I will fight fires in the Australian outback....... you get the idea. But I will NOT be coming back to TT as a volunteer. There is plenty more random weird sh*t that goes on here that I haven't discussed and couldn't come back and even pretend that I believed in to be able to enforce it upon the next group of unsuspecting trainees. Enough said.

Anyway, we had a lovely class tonight with Lisa a visiting local teacher. I really enjoyed her class, it was straight up dialogue, she got you into the postures and got you out of them no messing around. Then she finished the class with some mantras which was really great. She explained their meaning to us but we said them in Indian so though iI didn't know what the words meant being in a room with 430 yogis all chanting mantras created an awesome energy. Thank you Lisa for sharing that with us. Namaste.

This was all followed by a "lecture" with Bikram about .....? ah...........? ...........um?...........??????
He let us go just after midnight which was about the best thing to come out of it.

Lock the Knee

This afternoon we had a lecture from a visiting teacher on the need to learn how to properly lock the knee in our postures as this is the foundation of our practice. It was really interesting and I have to say I can't wait to get into the hot room to put into action the things she mentioned and to see how it affects my postures.

Essentially it was about focusing on contracting the muscles around the knee rather than the knee joint itself - that is the quads, the hamstrings and especially the glutes which are often forgotten about. You can try it just standing up and feel the difference when your glutes are included in this action versus when they are not.

It was SO refreshing to have a lecture on something relevant, to feel that I learnt something and was gaining insight into why we do things the way we do. Insert super happy smiling face here. THIS is what I came for!

Unfortunately, my happiness was short lived as this was then followed up by a long winded drawn out process in an effort to get things ready for our graduation ceremony. An exercise that could have taken 10 minutes with a little forethought instead took over an hour and a half. Seriously, these guys couldn't organise themselves out of a brown paper bag. And its not like this is the first graduation ceremony they have had, they have been doing this for over 10 bloody years. Sigh............ yeah yeah I know, I can put it down to another lesson in patience, but to be honest I am bloody sick of lessons in patience as a result of incompetent management.

Anyway, I am off to the 5pm yoga class. Needless to say I will try and dump my frustration at the door and instead focus on locking the knee! :-)

Let Week 8 Begin

We have two weeks to go!

Can I see the light at the end of the tunnel? Well, yes, but rather than the end I fear it is another train coming! Two weeks is a long bloody time that you can still fit in a lot of really hot yoga classes, a lot of really long Hindu movies and a lot of late night lectures. And as Bikram is here everyday for the next two weeks I fear that is what we are in for. We have been quite lucky to date in that he has been away a lot of the time so we get a bit of a reprieve then.

So every year the trainees put forward ideas for a t-shirt and one of them is chosen and then printed up for us as a souvenir of our training. The pic is of ours - in lovely battleship grey (what the F?) and with the slogan, "trust the process" - God help me. So I added my own slogan - one of Bikram's favourite lines. Which I think is a MUCH better expression of this training experience :-)

So today passed rather uneventfully. Class this morning was a regular class that was taught by a visiting teacher in 90 mins, within normal temperature range, which was just as well as I still haven't recovered from last week and I feel tired and sore. We then had our last official Posture Clinic so that everyone got through their delivery of Spine Twisting, the last posture. It was all kind of an anticlimax really. I think the reality that we have to string it all together and teach a class (for some within days of Grad) is starting to hit people and making them a bit subdued.

To date we still have not ever done the left side for any postures or had any guidance on how to deliver the 2nd set, or our timing etc so we're hoping that we get some of that kind of information in the next two weeks. Not to say that I couldn't figure it out myself, or that I would not have instruction from the teachers as my home studio but it is something that I would fully expect to get here. But we are totally ignorant as to what happens from here on in terms of what information we are going to get, what lectures etc ........ after all information is power and god forbid they gave us any of that! LOL - not really. Too close to the truth to be funny.

So Bikram came in and taught this afternoon's class. The difference in his temperament and personality was like night and day. Which further confirms some thoughts I have but feel I don't need to go into here. Those who have read previous posts can draw their own conclusions and we can share our thoughts over a very large bottle of Savy blanc at the Surf Club when I get home.... :-)

There was a slight hint of tension in the air as we wondered what the hell kind of class we were in for, and his behaviour was almost like that of a naughty child trying to win back the approval of his parents, or like a partner who knew they'd f*cked up and was trying to win back your favour. He showered us with compliments and told us we did the BEST Triangle posture EVER and the BEST Cobra EVER! Hmph W-H-A-T-E-V-E-R-R-R-R!

I'm not sure if it was real or just my imagination, but it seemed that no-one laughed quite as loudly at his jokes and antics and that the peops weren't clapping quite so enthusiastically after class. Sorry, Bikram, but the memory of Friday night is still too fresh in our minds for us to forgive you just yet.

Some of you who have been reading my posts have sent messages of disbelief, some of horror! I tell you if I wasn't here myself to witness it I would have put it all down to those infamous "stories" we hear about Teacher Training but never really quite believe.

I can tell you people it IS real. While I don't want to influence other people's opinion about Bikram, or their decision about whether to try this style of yoga or to come to TT, I have at the same time remained totally honest in my thoughts of what it has been like here. I don't know if my experience has been that different to others here, but certainly prior to my coming here NO-ONE told me to expect anything like this. It is almost like there is an unwritten rule that you just shut up, take your cert, move on and forget all the BS because to rock the boat means you may just be blackballed, and ultimately Bikram still holds power over this worldwide network of studios and is able to do just that.

That is not to say that there aren't others here who are loving it and already sad about the thought of leaving - unlike moi who is already half packed and calling the airline to see if I can fly out straight after I get my hands on that one piece of paper that is going to make this all worthwhile.

Thoughts from the Laundry Room

Sunday, Mmmmm MMmmm :-) It is the one day of the week we get to sleep in. When you can luxuriate in the delight that the whole day stretches before you and is yours to do as you wish. Well until the reality of the week ahead sets in, and you realise you have to get your washing done, get food for the week, and get that damn dialogue out again.


This pic is of me and Gemma, a lovely lovely girl from England who is in my group. A group of us went up to Malibu yesterday and then into Santa Monica for some shopping and dinner. It was so nice to get away for the day but it meant that today it was back to reality.

So down to the laundry room I went this morning with washing and laptop in tow. Laptop? Yes, laptop. Because something as simple as getting your washing done is of course not going to be simple here. How can doing your washing be hard you ask? Because we have only two, yes count them 2! washing machines for 430 yogis to wash 11 hot sweaty yoga outfits a week in. Oy! Insert eyes rolled skyward here. Now while you can put your stuff in the "line" and come back at an assumed time, the honesty of the line order depends entirely on the people in the room. So its sometimes better just to settle in and wait in the room.

Which is where I spent two hours this morning. It gave me a chance to update my blog and emails etc so which was great as the internet signal is much stronger there than in my room. Go figure?

It also gave me a chance to chat with some other peops and share stories about our TT experience to date. It was really interesting to hear other people's perspectives and thoughts about all of this. I always make an effort to choose my words carefully so as not to influence the conversation too much on this topic, but there seems to be a definite underlying sense of disappointment and disillusionment about our training over the past 7 weeks that a lot of people share.

The one thing that everyone seems to be hanging on to and what keeps them here is the fact that this is the ONLY way to get the opportunity to teach this yoga and ultimately that is what we all really really want to do. Other than that there is not much else we will take away from this. Which I find quite sad. This must be what its like as a child when you find out Santa isn't real or that the Tooth Fairy doesn't exist. Instead of feeling inspired we are dreading the next two weeks when our so-called Guru will be here everyday.

We are all so passionate about the yoga and how it changes peoples lives, and the opportunity for what we could have learn't here should have been amazing and yet so much of it has been wasted in mindless drivel. The media constantly challenges the "facts" we are fed, and often disproves a lot of the stories we hear. And yet here it goes on unchallenged both by the staff and us trainees?

Certainly if you paid for a lecture or course out there in the "real world" and got this calibre of presentation you would have walked out weeks ago. Yet we all sit there, and sit there, and sit there. No-one raises their hand to dispute anything or to argue any of the "facts" and stories, even though we often sit there in disbelief at what we are hearing. Its almost like no-one wants to mention the white elephant in the room. Not that I think the "white elephant" would stop long enough to listen anyway.

Bikram's Torture Chamber

WARNING: This post uses explicit language that may be offensive to some readers.

So this Friday we had 120 teachers who are here for re-certification join us for the 5pm class. Now they usually cram us 430 trainees and then prob an extra 20 or so staff members into the ballroom we have come to call the yoga room and you can't move without touching someone in "inappropriate places" so you can imagine what it was like putting another 120 yogis in there along with us.

You can see from these pic that most of us were mat to mat with no space between. If you didn't already know your neighbours it was time to introduce yourself as you were about to get probably a lot closer and personal with them than perhaps you would have liked. Note: After this experience, be warned yogis at home, because if you feel you don't have enough space around you, or you don't get your favourite "cool" spot in the room and complain because you can't see yourself in the mirror you won't be getting any sympathy from me! (And they said I was going to be too nice...........)

It was clear from the start that Bikram was determined to remind the teachers of their own TT experience and make them (and us) work hard. (I should remind you that this was the day after he had kept us up till after 4 a.m. watching a bleepin movie so us trainees were running on only 3 hours sleep.)

To start the room was heated to 120 degrees F (at least 10 degrees hotter than usual) - I'll convert that to Celsius for those who are metric - it was Fucken HOT! And that was 120 BEFORE you even put over 500 yogis in the room. If you had any doubt about whether this was going to be a hard class or not it instantly dissipated the second you walked in that door and the heat hit you like a tonne of bricks. Most of us were dripping with sweat before we even started...................... I can tell you that is not a good feeling.

We started with umpteen Pranayamas. This is the breathing exercise that warms the body up and usually we do two sets of 10. I don't know how many we did but by halfway through the 2nd set and my shoulders were already screaming and still Bikram didn't stop. A sign, that Sh*t I was going to be in trouble in this one! Gulp.

The class proceeded from there with Bikram delivering the dialogue excruciatingly slow so that we were in the postures for a really long time. There were the usual corrections and berating of students and in particular the teachers who were there for re-cert and had the misfortune of having to stand in the first 3 rows. Some of whom he threatened to take away their certification because their postures were so crap. (I have to admit there were moments when I thought if it meant I would never have to come back and take a f'n class with him EVER again then I would gladly give up my certificate)

This was all punctuated with Bikram's mindless antidotes about random topics (usually himself) and him perving at himself in the mirrors (thats what they are there for didn't you know?) all done while you were in the posture so that he held you there even longer still . And of course I can't forget his favourite Hot Room party trick - to leave us in a posture (often halfway through Awkward) while he stops and takes a swig of his ice cold coke and then sees how loud he can then burp for us. I swear I am not exaggerating here - you couldn't make this sh*t up!

It was by far the hardest class I have ever done. I don't know what the final temp would have been but by the first Savasanah at the end of the standing series halfway through the class half the yogis were walking out. He asked. "Why are all these people leaving? Is there was a flea market or something outside? I love flea markets!" Groan.......FUUUUUCK!

By the end of the spine strengthening series yogis were being carried out as fast as they could find capable bodies able to do so. Note by this time we are already on the floor so its not a good sign. I heard afterwards that 25 people got carried out and that countless others walked or stumbled out of the room under their own steam. Still the hot air blasted with unrelenting force. Bikram joked that he needed to call more ambulances. What the .......? He asked if we felt like we were going to die? You are not lucky enough to die he said! Oh how friggen true and probably the most sane thing he said all night.

And still he talked and t-a-l-k-e-d. The pauses between paragraphs of dialogue grew longer and even the Savasanahs grew longer - normally a good thing right? But when it feels like a thousand degrees, you're drowning in pools of your own sweat and you ran out of water half an hour ago, lying still is the hardest thing in the world to do.

The final nail in the coffin, for those of us still in the room was that even once the class had finally finished he insisted the doors be kept shut! That no one else be let out and we had to stay in savasanah and listen to a song off his CD. (Geez I've just realised as I write this that I haven't mentioned Bikram's CD before! Think 70's bad elevator music) If you were looking for a definition of insanity this was it!

The class ran for over two hours - torture even under normal circumstances. Though I don't know how to define "normal" anymore? This whole training and that class in particular is almost impossible to put into words that seem sane. What was I supposed to gain from this experience? Is it necessary to make people faint and throw up to become better yoga teachers? Something about that goes against my thoughts of what yoga is all about.

Certainly for me the ONLY way for me to get through that class was to re-direct my absolute exhaustion and frustration into anger. Doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose of doing yoga? And I won't write here what I was thinking, but I will tell you I was determined I was NOT going to leave that room and nothing that he - expletive expletive expletive too appalling to even write here - was going to do would make me leave. So I stayed in the room and actually managed to do most of the postures though have to admit to not even attempting Camel. ( The yogi next to me got up to do it and then said, ugh maybe not, as he very quickly sat down again. Hey you were a braver soul than moi!) But I can't say I feel richer for the experience.

So days later we're still talking about the infamous Friday night class, and what drives someone to teach a class like that? My smile in the pic afterwards is fake and only barely covers my absolute disbelief at what I had just witnessed. Certainly it took me to a new head space and there were some interesting conversations going on in there, but am I a better person for it? I think the Universe has thrown at me far greater challenges while I have been here that are going to better define who I am, that built far more character and strength and will make me a better yoga teacher than that class will.

And The Final Posture in the Series, Spine Twisting.

Today I delivered my last official dialogue in Posture Clinic! Spine Twisting which is the final posture, and so now I'm done. What a strange feeling it is - relief that I got through all 26 postures but also angst about the fact that I now have to put them all together and actually teach a class. Oy!

While I have really enjoyed the posture clinics and getting up and talking in front of people has felt surprisingly comfortable, the notion that I will be responsible for leading people through their practice does make me rather anxious.

I know for myself, how much I do or don't enjoy a class depends a lot on the teacher leading it. Now while I also know that is NOT how I should approach a class, as its up to me to determine what kind of practice I am going to have blah blah blah, I think its only human nature to have people that you connect with and who resonate more with you than others.

So the thought that someone might come and take a class with me and not like me as a teacher is a bit disconcerting. While that is not an easy thought to sit with (and I guess part of my journey as a teacher will be learning to be ok about that....Oy!) , I hope that my absolute love for this yoga comes through and that people see that and even if they don't like me as a person, that I can reach them in some way and inspire them to come back and take another class.

The one thing I have heard consistently in my feedback from other teachers and the trainees in my group is that I have an open and friendly personality and come across as being very compassionate, maybe even a little too nice (Ha! They obviously haven't read my Blog :-) and that people with warm to this and trust me as a teacher. Certainly that has been really nice to hear and so that is something to hold onto.

The toughness is something I will have to work on - so that I can get you yogis to work hard and "kill yourself" in class!

Perhaps though I will surprise you and kill you will kindness..... :-)

Thursday

Lecture .... and .......movie ..........till............................ 4:19 a.m.

SOOOOoo............... T..............I..............R..............E................D

What the hell am I doing here?