It would be so insincere of me to say that I'm not happy about reaching this point and being on the downward slope to graduation. And probably no surprise to any of you either. This experience to date has been such an oxymoron, in that the yoga is something I love so much and I am so excited about the prospect of being able to teach it, but the process in getting there has so far left a lot to be desired.
I had a dream last night that I was back on the Goldie about to teach my first class at the Burleigh Studio. Unfort the alarm woke me up before I actually got to teach the class, but I was there talking to Sean (the studio owner ) getting some last minute advice (thanks x) and all the regular yoga peops were there. Awwhhhhhh! :-) xx It was such an amazing feeling to wake up with. Like my subconscious was reminding me why I am here - something I've been needing lately.
So I did a second class today. Again, no rockstar effort just gently going through the paces. Every muscle is sore from having time off so that was reminder enough to take it easy. The room didn't feel particuarly hot and I coped really well.
For the last two nights we have had lectures with Bikram lasting about 2-3 hours each, from which I have NO notes to write. Read into that what you will. (I'm sure most of you will figure it out :-) I won't comment further as I just have to stop putting energy into fighting "the process" so much.
These were followed by Hindu movies and so that mean't we didn't get to bed till after 2 a.m. both nights. The movies are played at 100 (?) decibels so are deafening loud - purposely to keep you awake, and the air conditioning is set so low as to freeze us all, again purposely to keep you awake. Then if by some miracle you do manage to sleep sitting up frozen in your chair, the peops in charge come around and wake you up......... ?........................? ...............................?
Again, NO comment. A conscious decision NOT to ask why? Just to follow "the (goddamn) process".
We're up to Standing Seperate Leg Head to Knee Pose in our Posture Clinic. They have all been going fairly well for me. Some days I get the dialogue spot on and then others not so. I'm learning to recover from those times when the dialogue isn't coming to me and to just keep talking until I find my place again, but I'm certainly not comfortable with it. Probabaly more to do with my wanting to be the perfectionist than having trouble leading the class. Oy! Massive learning curve and lessons there for me. I know EXACTLY where it comes from, some of it being a Leo and some of it other "stuff" I don't need to go into here.
Lets hope that being aware helps me at least start to ease up about it a bit and give myself a bit of a break :-) Hmmm...... if you thought my standards were tough for others in terms of the level of compassion I decided to / or not to show others, you should see the standards I set for myself ... :-(
I wrote the beginning of this post before Posture Clinic today, and have just come back from there. One of the comments that the teacher running the clinic today made was, "Do you want to be perfect, or be a good yoga teacher?". Wow, how poignant considering what I had just written a few hours ago! I love how the Universe sends you signs like that to show you're on the right path :-) I will try and carry that with me throughout all areas of my life.