Question the Universe

On this day of your life, I believe God wants you to know......
that "Why is this happening?" is the most useless question in the Universe.

The only really profitable question is, "What?" As in, "What do I choose now?" This question empowers. The "why" question simply perplexes, and rarely satisfies even when it gets a good answer.

So don't try to "figure it out." Stop it. Just focus on what you now wish to create. Keep moving forward. There's nothing behind you that can possibly serve you better than your highest thoughts about tomorrow.

I got this message over the weekend from Neale Donald Walsch - Conversations with God, and it is so fitting for where I am right now. My head is full of "why is this happening now?" questions and I am frustrated by a lack of immediate answers and an inability to make sense of a lot of things that have happened since I've been here.

Its been a week since I've done any yoga and boy do I ever NEED to get back into the Hot Room. At home if I miss even a few days in a row I start feeling a little frazzled and unnerved so to be forced to take a week off while here under these circumstances has just compounded any mental anxiety I've been under.

So I'm trying to let go and just go with the flow. To stop running my internal dialogue and trust the universe will look after me and send me exactly what I need at the exact right time. Hmmmm....... easier said than done.

Anyway, on to lighter things; this pic is taken at a beach side restaurant in Malibu where I caught up with my Kiwi friends again on Sunday aft. It is always SO nice to get away from here.

The weekends are a strange time here. You go suddenly from being tightly scheduled all day, having to be somewhere at an exact time, signing in and accounting for every movement along with 430 others to then having time to do whatever you want for 36 hours.

Its eerily silent in the halls as everyone makes their way out into the real world. And while its great being able to make simple decisions like when you want to get up and when you want to eat etc, it also leaves plenty of time for thinking. As I've said before, not always a good thing around here. I know I'm not the only one who finds the weekends harder than the weekdays purely for this reason. When you're constantly busy it takes your mind of things like feeling homesick and all those infamous, "why is this happening?" questions.

Today is the start of week 5. By the end of this week we will be on the downhill stretch. It still feels too long a time to start counting down though. At the moment I'm not putting in much so not getting much out of it all. Kind of a catch 22 because I feel like keeping to myself and yet when I hear how happy other yogis are and how much they are just loving the TT experience and I am jealous to not be feeling the same about my time here to date.

Am planning to try a morning class tomorrow so lets hope that helps start to change things around for me :-) Otherwise its going to be a bloody long 5 weeks..........

Compassionate huh?

Do you consider yourself a compassionate person? It is something that is talked about a LOT here. Both having compassion for each other while we are here and more importantly having compassion for our students in the classroom.

Certainly if anyone had asked me if I was I would have unequivocally said yes, truly believing I was. However over the past few days, I have realised that my so-called "compassion" is not given freely to everyone in the same manner. (I told you having too much time on your hands to muse over things may or may not be a good thing? lol)

Sure, I have compassion for babies, kittens, anything small and helpless. Hey, I cried for days afer having to take "Little Holly" back, the dog I fostered from the animal shelter for 6 weeks at Christmas. But when it comes to adults I realise that my "compassion" is given in measured quantities according to my own set of rules.

Now while I find it easy to help someone who is genuinely needing it, when you can see their soul is hurting and they are really trying, its the times when someone is incompetent and not putting an effort in (according to MY standards) that I struggle to find the patience to be compassionate. (V.P. I can see you smiling from here, because I know you know EXACTLY what I am like and what I am talking about :-)

I could give you numerous accounts of this exact situation as it happens here on a daily basis. Sh*t sometimes minute by minute. And to date I have let it infuriate me! My immediate reaction is that we've all paid a lot of money to be here and so if you're not going to take it seriously and put the effort in then stop wasting our bleeping time and bleeping go home. You get the picture, right?

However! I have spent the past few days thinking about my reaction to these situations and wondering what sort of teacher I am going to be if I only have compassion and patience for those students in the class who are practicing the way I (thats a BIG CAPITAL "I") think they should according to the rules and discipline I like in my own practice. Hence automatically making assumptions about what someone is capable of without knowing anything about what is happening in their lives.

Which is EXACTLY what we have been told by numerous teachers here NOT to do. They have all said that we have to let our students take their own journey, that we cannot assume anything about what they are capable of in their practice. I've even written those exact words in a previous post and yet its only in the past few days that it actually resonated with me. And since I have been focusing on this, there have been more and more signs and reminders popping up everywhere. Like they say, when the student is ready the teacher will come.

I think what has also helped it hit home too, is that I am currently excused from doing yoga for the week. From the outside I look like I am fine and that there is nothing wrong with me. Peops probably see me sunning by the pool, relaxed when they come out of class hot, sweaty and exhausted and wonder why the hell I get to get out of classes? Yet inside, there is obviously a physical stress I need to recover from and an emotional turmoil that I'm trying to deal with. None of which you could tell by just looking at me.

One of the visiting teachers last night read out a letter from a Studio Owner saying this exact thing. How we simply don't know what is going on in people's lives and what they may be struggling with and or had to overcome to get into the hot room that day and onto their mat. That we should respect each and every one of them for getting there and how they practice is none of our business (with the obvious exception of making sure they are practicing safely etc).

Then yesterday I got the following email from "Daily OM" a spiritual message centre I subscribe to. It really struck a cord with me and I hope that through my newfound awareness I can start to change and not make judgements about how I feel people should be performing. I'll let you know how I go! :-)

Conscious Evolution

Being Aware is the First Step. Awareness is the first step to creating change in any situation, without it, there would be no desire for change.

Life is a journey comprised of many steps on our personal path that takes us down a winding road of constant evolution. And each day, we are provided with a myriad of opportunities that can allow us to transform into our next best selves.

One moment we are presented with an opportunity to react differently when yet another someone in our life rubs us the wrong way; on another day we may find ourselves wanting to walk away from a particular circumstance but are not sure if we can. Eventually, we may find ourselves stuck in a rut that we can never seem to get out of. We may even make the same choices over and over again because we don’t know how to choose otherwise. Rather than moving us forward, our personal paths may take us in a seemingly never-ending circle where our actions and choices lead us nowhere but to where we’ve already been.

It is during these moments that awareness can be the first step to change.
Awareness is when we are able to realize what we are doing. We observe ourselves, noticing our reactions, actions, and choices as if we were a detached viewer.

Awareness is the first step to change because we can’t make a change unless we are aware that one needs to be made in the first place. We can then begin understanding why we are doing what we are doing. Afterward, it becomes difficult not to change because we are no longer asleep to the truth behind our behaviors. We also begin to realize that, just as much as we are the root source behind the causes for our behaviors, we are also the originator for any changes that we want to happen.

There is a freedom that comes with awareness. Rather than thinking that we are stuck in a repetitive cycle where there is no escape, we begin to see that we very much play a hand in creating our lives. Whether we are aware of them or not, our behaviors and choices are always ours to make. Our past and our present no longer have to dictate our future when we choose to be aware. We are then free to move beyond our old limits, make new choices, and take new actions. With awareness, our paths can’t help but wind us forward in our lives while paving the way for new experiences and new ways of being. It is through awareness that we can continue to consciously evolve.

Bikram is back

I haven't been able to post for a few days as the Blogger host website has been down so I have several days of musings to catch up on.

Since I'm not doing yoga classes at the moment it means I have an extra few hours each day to myself to think and reflect. Though I'm not sure that having too much time to think here is actually a good thing? Of course you can always easily chew up any spare time studying dialogue which I have been doing - no reason not to have it down verbatim now eh! (Oy, as if I wasn't hard enough on myself already.)

So Bikram came back yesterday and true to form kept us us till 2:00 a.m. watching a Hindu movie. Oh sh8t! For the past two weeks most of our evenings have been filled with Anatomy lectures with Dr Preddy who won HUGE favour with us by never going past midnight. We love you Dr. P!

Anyway, Bikram taught the 5pm yoga class yesterday and told everyone it was the worst class he had ever seen in the 4th week of training. Hmmm, as much as I am missing the yoga I have to admit to being quite glad to have missed that class as you can well imagine what it was like being in the Hot Room for that one :-(

It would seem the dark mood continued through to the evening lecture, as prior to the movie Bikram spoke for two hours berating the Western world for all the problems we create for ouselves, our lack of morals, how shitty our lives are, and how great the Indian way of life is. Oh and how much money he makes. As if we weren't depressed enough already.

Now to date I have had no problem with the fact that Bikram obviously makes a sh*t load of money with what he does. Hey if anything I'm jealous, I would love even just a fraction of what he makes. The reason I guess it find it "ok" is that the yoga works. Plain and simple. It is the best thing that has happened to me and you hear the same thing from everyone here. People's lives are dramatically changed for the better through doing this yoga. And so if he is smart enough to make money off it, more power to him.

However, what I don't appreciate is having it all shuved (sp?) in my face while you tell me what a piece of shit I am. Now I am smart enough to see that this is all a thinly guised veil of Bikram's attempt to push our buttons and so see it for what it is. But at the same time when I think of what this has all cost, the time and money invested, the emotional roller coaster ride etc, it is hard NOT to have your buttons pushed! And I realise now as I write this, that he did infact get to me, because here I am the morning after still writing about it rather than having just observed it and let it go. Oh expletive expletive expletive!

Bikram 1 - Stephanie 0

'Nuff said.

Poolside View

Well its not much of a view actually looking at a construction site and the back of some old utility buildings surrounded by concrete. Certainly if I was going to spend a summer in LA I would not choose to be spending it at some shitty hotel pool. :-(

But I wanted to put the pics up so that when you read in a post that I was outside by the pool you don't have a vision of us all laying on luxurious lounge chairs by a fabulous pool with waiters serving cocktails! lol

Ok......... grumbling over. I've been spoilt by living on the Gold Coast for too long and seeing all the beautifully manicured landscaped pool areas surrounding all the hotels there and having access to miles and miles of beautiful coastline.

I should just be thankful that the sun was shining and I was able to get out of the hotel room at all. I get cabin fever from being locked up in rooms with air conditioning all day and night. None of the windows open anywhere, all the lecture rooms are internal and we don't have balconies off our rooms so you can easily go all day without stepping outside and getting any fresh air and natural sunlight. Hard for a beach loving gal like moi.

The worst part is walking out of the Hot Room where you have been cooking for 90 mins in 40 degree heat and are totally wet with sweat, out into the air conditioned hallways. Ugh! Bloody freezing, and according to Dr Preddy (our Anatomy teacher) quite dangerous as it really stresses your system out after working so hard in the heat to then hit the icey temperatures.

Hmm ...... No comment.

Teaching Notes - New York Style

I realise that I haven't written up my notes from our posture clinic last week with Troy and Iko from New York, both of whom I just loved! I learnt so much from them in just one afternoon so I want to make sure that I write it all up while its still fresh in my mind so that I can refer back to it.

As follows:

KNOW what you are teaching. That way you can stay true to the dialogue.

When you are feeling nervous shake the energy off. Direct it somewhere i.e. with a hand gesture /a point or motion.

Watch the bodies and connect the words to the bodies to that you don't just "see" the dialogue in your head.

Don't say you're sorry for any mistakes you may make. Most students won't notice anyway as they are too busy suffering. Lol I love that one :-)

Don't sabotage yourself by saying, "I Can't". The negative energy compounds in your body. Say, "I Can". Tell your students, They Can!

We all have 100% potential to change. Just make up your mind to do so. Make up your mind to change 180 degree angle right in this moment.

Say your dialogue to the ocean or in an open space. Throw your energy out there. Practice developing your style. The ocean won't judge you.

Lead well. That way you will instill in your students the motivation to practice with integrity and energy and to work hard to "kill themselves".

Punch the words written in bold in the dialogue. These are action / command words.

Leave space between the paragraphs of dialogue. This is time for you to breath and for your students to settle into the posture.

And my favourite: You're ok! If you f*ck up, who cares? Its ONLY yoga! Its NOT supposed to be a stressful job. Enjoy yourself :-)

Remember why you wanted to become a teacher and carry this with you into your class. Convey it to your students and they will have a good class regardless of how you deliver the dialogue.

So you can see based on these notes, why I enjoyed the afternoon with Troy and Iko SO much. If I'm ever in NY I will be def be looking them up and heading to their studio!

Tuesday with Terry

Our Posture Clinic today was held by Terry who owns a studio in Merrimac Valley, Mass. She rocked! I would love to take a class with her. Her feedback and energy for everyone was great and so I have a whole page of notes that I took as a result.

She started by telling us the rules in her studio. They are as follows:
1. You have to breathe
2. You can only nod your head yes. Shaking your head no can cause brain damage
3. Look at yourself in the mirror and say, "how cute am I!" :-)

As you can imagine, based on these I warmed to her immediately. So, following are my notes, which are taken from the persepective of learning to teach so may or may not be of interest to other peops. ( They may seem a bit all over the place and random but they were written down after different people delivered their dialogue so there were numerous scenarios.)

The posture we had to deliver dialogue for today was Bow Pose. One of the lines in the set up for the hand position is; Say "Mama give me money" (to which the students are supposed to reply, Mama give me money).

Its as corney as it reads and feels even more corney saying it out loud let alone in front of the class. BUT one thing that Terry said, was that if you don't get used to asking the "Universe" for money then you're not going to get it! SO fellow yogis at home, get used to it, cos I'm going to be saying it and expecting you to say it back! LOL

Beginners will always look at you rather than at themselves in the mirror NO matter how many times you ask them to look in the mirror. She said if you do catch someone's eye to smile (for Beg's this reassures them that they WILL survive ) and then look away because as a new teacher it will be easy to get distracted by them. Its better to concentrate on the bodies.

There will be two dialogues running while you teach.
1. The external dialogue that you are saying to the class.
2. Your internal dialogue that you are saying in your head.
Make sure you don't let the Internal dialogue come out!

If you make too many unnecessary hand gestures while teaching try holding your water bottle. This will help you stop waving your hands around.

Give your students space to have their own energy. Hold onto some of your own so that you don't fill the room with your energy. This will exhaust you and your students.

Don't try and create the energy in the room. Let it build naturally. Start in Pranayama. Give a little and let them answer. Its a conversation. You say the dialogue and the bodies answer.
You need to learn how to build the energy so that you can teach at any time of the day and adjust your energy accordingly.

Precision in YOUR dialogue creates precision in THEIR practice.

When you see mistakes in a posture repeat the line of dialogue that will give the required instructions to correct. Don't ever adjust the student yourself. By saying the dialogue and letting the students self correct they will learn better.

You don't need to control your students journey. Let them make their mistakes. Tell them to come back tomorrow. To try again. They will learn in their own time when they are ready. Again this is why we don't adjust them ourselves.

If you get stuck and can't remember the next line of dialogue, repeat the last line you just said until the next line comes to you. Students will just think you are correcting someone in the class. Hee hee

Say it. See it. Process it.
Really connect with the bodies. Your eyes should look at the body parts you are talking about.

Set a Mantra for each posture. This is what you can say if you can't remember anything else. :-)
E.g. Lock the knee, lock the knee, lock the knee. Change.

Take care of yourself. When practicing in class, check your ego at the door. Do 100% of the posture correctly for how your body is feeling THAT day. Yoga is a lifetime practice. You have for ever, therefore you don't have to do everything today.

To Post or Not To Post.......

I have spent a few days wondering about how to write this post and / or whether I need to write it at all, but its going to become pretty obvious soon when I don't mention doing any yoga for the next week or so that something is up.

So here goes, firstly, I want everyone to know that I am ok! I just need some time to rest and recover but other than that I am totally healthy :-)

However, unfortunately within my first week of being here I got some news about something regarding my health that I had to make a pretty quick decision about. It made the first few weeks of Training even more stressful physically and mentally than they already were. It was without doubt a major testing point for me having to make a life changing decision under these circumstances and without the support of friends and family at home. But I managed it and was able to draw on strength and make my decison with a sense of calmness that I didn't know I had.

So everything has been taken care of and I'm recovering but am under Dr's orders not to do yoga for the next two weeks. Now as much as I am relishing having some extra time to myself (worth its weight in gold around here!) I wish I could have been excused from the late night lectures and movies, not the yoga classes. They are all that has kept me sane through all this!

But I have to remind myself that I have a lifetime to practice yoga and so if I miss a few weeks its no big deal. Its just the timing that sux as the challenge of being here and doing doubles (2 classes a day) for 9 weeks was something I was really interested to see how I would cope with.
So it is what it is and at the moment the lesson is still unclear to me, and may always be, so I'll just continue to take it day by day and see what comes :-)